I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
