Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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