the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How does one acquire holy water?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
