Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
