Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
