Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
