meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
