Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
