Please, let me fuck your mom
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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