where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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