rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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