I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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