He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
