My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
