I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just made out with a guy for $7.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
