I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
