Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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