I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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