I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
