There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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