Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
