It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
