On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
