I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
