I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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