Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
