Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
