That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
