i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
