Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
