Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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