I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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