Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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