took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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