I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
birth control should be required to get into college
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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