"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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