My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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