its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
