I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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