Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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