I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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