How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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