he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
