In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
