Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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