I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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