I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
