Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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