I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
