im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
