apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
